When my mother said she was so happy she might pee herself, I figured it was in reference to her new car. Which I totally get — I mean its exciting stuff, getting a new car. But alas, no … her elation had nothing to do with an automobile. She was simply eager to see how I would go about my day since I’d called her three hours earlier than usual … which consequently meant I had woken up three hours earlier than usual.
Here’s the thing … I sleep. A lot. But not just because I like to sleep but because I need to sleep. Really — my doctor even reasoned that like everything else, humans can differ in their need for sleep just as they differ in other things. So in my defense, I say it’s my genetic makeup and I cannot fight DNA. (See mother, you made me this way.)
But then. Then, when I hung up with my mother, I did one of those fun little math experiments to determine how many years of my life I’ve actually been asleep … and other than reaffirming my ability to do long division in my head (a party trick I like to call upon every now and then — I know, it’s weird — some people smash beer cans on their foreheads, I do long division inside mine), the outcome wasn’t pretty. As it turned out, based on an average of nine hours sleep every night, I’d spent damn near close to seventeen years asleep. Wait — back up … are you stumbling on the part where I said an average of nine? Remember, I am a sleeper by nature. I blame my mother. She did, after all, make me this way. At least I’m not blaming her for any of my other inadequacies. Right?
Well, anyway, you know what — I think getting up early sucks. And I don’t care what anyone says, just because you are awake for more hours does NOT mean you achieve more … because on that fateful day when I woke up three hours earlier than usual, I fell down the stairs because I only had one eye open and ended up nursing my wrist for an hour … and I ran the slowest five miles of my life as again, I only had one eye open … and I spent the better part of my morning with a headache because I was still tired … and the clincher … because I was so tired I spent more money at Starbucks than usual because I’d frequented the spot twice before 11 a.m.
So here’s to all my fellow sleepy heads out there … don’t sweat it … let those morning people/early birds fight for the damn worm … I’ll meet you for a cappuccino at noon. Besides, what’s one more year spent asleep anyway.
Today’s post inspired by The Daily Prompt, Because the Night — “Are you a night owl or are you the early bird? What’s your most productive time of day? When do you do your best work?” Well duh! Clearly, I am neither. I more of a middle of the day kinda gal. Oh, and don’t worry, to the best of my knowledge my mother did not pee herself.