Why you shouldn’t chew gum (& my convo with the Wicked Witch) —

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The other day, I got a three minute lesson on how to properly chew gum. Bear in mind, for those of you new here, I do not chew gum. The mere thought of it sends me straight into convulsions — it’s gross. Why? Because it is synthetic rubber and while there might be a few people out there that have learned how to properly conceal their mouthful of synthetic rubber there will always be the others — the ones that chew their cud like it’s their last meal on Earth. And you can blame their ever constant smacking for ruining gum chewing for all the responsible chewers out there. Sorry. But it’s all their fault. Thank you very much.

So not all that long ago, I was in my office writing a nice little piece about the Wicked Witch of the East (don’t ask — really, it’s best that I don’t elaborate on that one) when my daughter sauntered in and in between smacks started to tell me why she needs a new pencil pouch. Apparently she didn’t like the Ziploc bag I left out for her the night before. She NEEDS a Vera Bradley one (at least she didn’t ask for a Louis Vuitton — she probably doesn’t know that the LV makeup brush bag can double up for a pencil pouch). Anyway, as she’s explaining the various reasons why the five other pouches she has no longer fit the bill, I am distracted by her smacking — almost to the point of throwing a $50 her way, telling her to take the car and go get her damn pencil pouch … anything to stop the smacking!!! I mean how much trouble can she get in for driving without a license?

Moving on, I tell her to Stop The Insanity (hey, whatever happened to Susan Powter??) and she proceeds to demonstrate for me the correct way to chew gum. I can tell she’s done this before — she has a wrong way, a correct way, and a way for when you’re all alone in your room. I ask myself, “Is this really happening? Is she really giving me a Power Point, minus the slides, presentation on how to and how not to chew gum? Have I landed in Oz? Or worse, fallen down a rabbit a hole that undoubtedly will land me face to face with a hookah-smoking caterpillar? Let me be clear — if you have not mastered the fine art of chewing inconspicuously … if you cannot conceal the synthetic rubber wad in your mouth, then please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and my sanity, do not chew in my presence.

Oh, and just if your curious, back to the Wicked Witch of the East. I would like to have a quick little heart-to-heart with her … I’ve always wondered how she felt about having that damn house dropped on her. Poor thing. She probably would have been a very-good bad witch … I’ll bet she could teach me a spell or two for all those unfortunate souls that insist on chewing gum. Maybe we could meet at Starbucks — not the most tranquil of places, but certainly the happiest. (Besides, who chews gum when they’re drinking coffee?)

Today’s post inspired by The Daily One-word Prompt, “Conceal.”

6 comments

  1. I once rode in a car for 18 hours with a person that chewed gum so obnoxiously, that I have made a point that gum is not allowed to be Chewn in my home or car.

  2. Oh, the gum. I went off gum recently after two girls sat down three seats away and proceeded to snap their gum. Repeatedly. I got marks on my palms from my nails, twisting my hands together to try and keep calm.
    As for meeting the Witch at Starbucks… I can actually imagine that happening now. I wonder how she feels about globalization?

  3. I never liked gum chewing either, but as for pencil pouches, I was very picky about those too as a kid. It pissed me off when I saw the other kids in school with fancy pencil pouches and I had to mix my crayons, pens and pencils together in one cheap, see through case. Very disturbing, especially when they start to get marked up.

    Funny post!

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