I Really Need Some Intimacy

You ever have a profoundly absurd thought rule your mind ? To the point of complete and total exhaustion? Like a song that plays in your head over and over and over. Or a guilt-laden memory from something that happened decades ago, but for whatever reason you can’t seem to let it go …

I’m not much for nostalgia. I don’t get teary eyed when I think of people I’ve loved and lost, nor do I ponder moments of greatness I wish I could relive. I truly believe that life is meant to be lived. All of it. The good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly. So why wish for what was once yours when you have what you have now? But. I have this thought that is so profoundly absurd ruling my every move right now that for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am lost. And I don’t know what to do.

Some people pray. Some talk to counselors, others to friends, mothers, even complete strangers … you know, like when you’re on a long flight and for whatever reason you find yourself knee deep in a conversation with the person seated next to you. Someone you’ll never see again. Someone whose name you’re likely to forget within minutes of deboarding. Airplane intimacy. I think that’s what it’s called … and right about now, I could use some. I could use someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Someone to tell me what they think, but not really care too much one way or another if I heed their advice or not. Yea, that’s what I need right now …

But, since I’m not on an airplane and don’t anticipate being on one anytime soon, perhaps you can help?

It goes like this, or at least the long and short of it—I am madly in love with someone … someone who makes me laugh like I’ve never laughed. Someone who’s very touch can ease me, excite me, encourage me. Someone whom I love so fiercely it’s like I want to climb inside of him and never leave the comfort of his embrace. Yet I can’t stop thinking about him loving someone else. I can’t let go of his past … can’t stop thinking about him being with someone else, touching someone else, saying all the things to “her,” that he says to me. It’s like I’m just the “next one,” rather than “the one.” And no, it’s no one particular … and no he’s never done anything to make me think for one second that he wants anyone else … but the very thought of it is crippling. And it’s festering. And I can’t let it go. And I’m afraid it’s going to ruin me. I’m afraid … it may have already. 

So if you’re out there and feel like dishing some airplane intimacy advice my way, please do … before I talk myself into a corner I can’t ever get out of.

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