When my mother said she was so happy she might pee herself, I assumed it was about her new car. Which made perfect sense — getting a new car is exciting. But alas, no… her elation had nothing to do with an automobile. She was simply thrilled to see how I’d function after calling her three hours earlier than usual — which meant I’d gotten out of bed three hours earlier than usual.

Turns out the only thing she was celebrating was the novelty of me being awake before noon.

Here’s the thing… I sleep. A lot. Not because I’m lazy, but because I need to sleep. My doctor even said humans differ in their sleep requirements just like anything else. So really, it’s genetic. I cannot fight DNA. (See, Mother? You made me this way.)

But after hanging up, I did one of those fun little math experiments to determine how many years of my life I’ve actually been asleep. And aside from reaffirming my ability to do long division in my head — a party trick I like to call upon every now and then; some people smash beer cans on their foreheads, I do math inside mine — the outcome wasn’t pretty. Based on an average of nine hours a night, I’ve spent damn near seventeen years asleep.

Wait — back up. Are you stumbling on the part where I said nine? Remember, I am a sleeper by nature. I blame my mother. (If you’re reading, mom, sorry.) She did, after all, make me this way. At least I’m not blaming her for any of my other inadequacies. Right?

Anyway. You know what? Getting up early sucks. And I don’t care what anyone says — being awake for more hours does NOT mean you achieve more. Because on that fateful day when I woke up three hours earlier than usual, I fell down the stairs (only one eye was open), ran the slowest five miles of my life (still one eye open), spent the morning with a headache (still tired), and — the clincher — spent more money at Starbucks than usual because I went twice before 11 a.m.

So, here’s to all my fellow sleepyheads… don’t sweat it. Let the morning people fight for the damn worm. I’ll meet you for a cappuccino at noon. Besides, what’s one more year spent asleep anyway?

Oh, and don’t worry — to the best of my knowledge, my mother did not actually pee herself.

Today’s post inspired by my mother, and the WordPress daily prompt: What’s the funniest misunderstanding you’ve ever been involved with? Cover image created with Google AI.

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