Originally published between 2011 and 2014, this post has been updated but preserves its original publish date as content is migrated from the archives of The Flavored Word.
The other day, I got a three-minute lesson on how to properly chew gum. Bear in mind, for those of you new here, I do not chew gum. The mere thought of it sends me straight into convulsions—it’s gross. Why? Because it’s synthetic rubber and while there might be a few people out there who’ve learned how to properly conceal their mouthful of synthetic rubber there will always be the others—the ones who chew their cud like it’s their last meal on Earth. And you can blame their ever-constant smacking for ruining gum chewing for all the responsible chewers out there. Sorry. But it’s all their fault. Thank you very much.
So, not all that long ago, I was in my office writing a nice little piece about the Wicked Witch of the East (don’t ask—really, it’s best I don’t elaborate on that one) when my daughter sauntered in and in between smacks of gum chewing started to tell me why she needs a new pencil pouch. Apparently, she didn’t like the Ziploc bag I left out for her the night before. She NEEDS a Vera Bradley one (at least she didn’t ask for a Louis Vuitton; she probably doesn’t know that the LV makeup brush bag can double up for a pencil pouch). Anyway, as she’s explaining the various reasons why the five other pouches she has no longer fit the bill, I am distracted by her smacking—almost to the point of throwing a $50 her way, telling her to take the car and go get her damn pencil pouch … anything to stop the smacking!!! I mean how much trouble can she get in for driving without a license?
Moving on, I tell her to Stop The Insanity (hey, whatever happened to Susan Powter??) and she proceeds to demonstrate for me the correct way to chew gum. I can tell she’s done this before—she has a wrong way, a correct way, and a way for when you’re all alone in your room. I ask myself, “Is this really happening? Is she really giving me a Power Point, minus the slides, presentation on how to and how not to chew gum? Have I landed in Oz? Or worse, fallen down a rabbit hole that undoubtedly will land me face-to-face with a hookah-smoking caterpillar? Let me be clear, if you have not mastered the fine art of chewing inconspicuously … if you cannot conceal the synthetic rubber wad in your mouth, then please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and my sanity, do not chew in my presence.
Oh, and if you happen to know the Wicked Witch of the East, I’d like to have a quick little heart-to-heart with her … I’ve always wondered how she felt about having that damn house dropped on her. Poor thing. She probably would have been a very-good bad witch … I’ll bet she could teach me a spell or two for all those unfortunate souls who insist on chewing gum. Maybe we could meet at Starbucks. Not the most tranquil of places, but certainly the happiest. (Besides, who chews gum when they’re drinking coffee?)
Cover image created with Google AI.
DISCLAIMER: I’m a writer and an editor. And I try my best to make sure every post is articulate and free from errors. However, being that I edit my own work—and it’s next to impossible to properly edit your own work—I admit, occasionally there may be an error or two I miss. But doing so doesn’t make me an idiot so don’t be mean. Just smile, pat yourself on the back for finding an error and be glad you’re not the only one who makes mistakes sometimes … xoxox
Leave a Reply